


Ito'y Lilisan na Ako

by ohem_jay



Series: Dumb boys being dumb [1]
Category: Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral (2018)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, F/F, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-07-18 22:38:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16128203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohem_jay/pseuds/ohem_jay
Summary: They could never get their timing right.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Henlo!! Been in this fandom for 3 years but this is the first fic I've published. Hope you like pain. 
> 
>  
> 
> Multi-chaptered angst fic. Will probably update once a week.

They're in their favorite cafe, sitting across from each other. 

On any other day, they'd be side by side-- wasting away the entire afternoon, switching from talking about the mundanities of every day life to the more complex topics of their inner turmoils. 

Today, however, is different. Today is the first time they've seen each other in a long while. And today, of all days, did they decide to finally address something that's been hovering over them for the past few years. The unresolved issue that they both refused to acknowledge until it piled up into a tangle of unspoken truths and regret. 

Vicente Enriquez can feel his sweat trickle down his nape. Even with the aircondition on full blast he can't help but feel warm. No, not warm. Nervous, that's the right term. In front of him is the most important person in his life-- Gregorio del Pilar. His best friend, the only person he'll trust in this lifetime or even the next. 

There was a time that he loved Gregorio quite too much for it to be considered just a regular friendship, hell there was even a time that his love for the man verged on being irrational.

That's why they're here. That's what they need to talk about. Vicente shook himself out of his thoughts. He glanced at Gregorio only to see the young man looking at him expectantly. Gregorio sighed. 

"Nakinig ka man lang ba sa mga sinabi ko?" 

"Oo naman." That wasn't completely a lie. He listened to the first half of what his friend said, until he got too preoccupied with his own worries that he tuned out the rest. Gregorio is still staring, probably waiting for a response, a reaction, anything. Vicente took a sip from his coffee-- it's too sweet, he thought. He should've ordered something stronger if he knew that this is how their day was going to end. 

"Ano bang gusto mong sabihin ko," he asked. "Ganiyan na ganiyan din naman mga linya mo dati eh. As always, kasalanan ko nanaman." 

He noticed how his friend's jaw tightened, and how his index finger subtly tapped the table. These movements meant that Gregorio was biting back a harsh retort. God, how he knew the man so well! 

"Alam mo, Enteng, sa ating dalawa ikaw naman talaga 'yong magulong kausap eh. Ikaw 'yong hindi makapag desisyon." 

"Pero hindi ibig sabihin noon na sa akin lang dapat lahat ng sisi! Lalo na kasi ikaw mismo aminado kang hindi ka marunong mag commit!" 

His voice came out louder than expected and his friend was taken aback by the hurt and frustration in his tone. "Hindi lang indecissiveness ko ang problema, Goyong."

Vicente can feel the tension that surrounded them. They just stared at each other, not saying a word. He was suddenly hyperaware of everything-- the sound of the air as it gently passed them, the chatter of all the other customers, even the dripping faucet near the comfort room. It was the most agonizing 3 minutes of his life. 

Gregorio was the first to look away. He took out his phone and began to tap slowly. His go-to move-- avoid being responsible for anything. He let the silence linger for a few minutes before breaking it. 

"So ano na gusto mong gawin natin ngayon?" 

Gregorio kept using his phone, and avoiding eye contact. 

"Oy ano ba? Mas importante ba talaga 'yan kaysa sa pinag uusapan natin ngayon ha?" 

His friend put his palm up as if signaling him to wait. Vicente felt himself getting annoyed. Gregorio was always the type to deliberately get on your nerves. When he finished whatever he was doing with his phone, he immediately stood up, grabbed his bag, and looked at Vicente with so much intensity that it was almost uncomfortable. 

"I blocked you. Sa lahat. Even 'yong number mo." 

Everything was suddenly blurry to Vicente. If he wasn't confused before, then he sure is now. 

"Ha?" He looked up at his friend with utter disbelief. "Gago ka ba!? Bakit?" 

"Ilang taon na tayong ganito, Enteng. Hindi tayo magtugma-tugma. Ang tagal nating hindi nagkita, ineexpect mo ba na babalik tayo sa dati? Pagod na kong magpanggap na kaya kong maging malapit sa'yo kahit na hindi tayo." 

Vicente couldn't utter a word. He's shocked by what his friend-- his best friend-- was implying. Gregorio took his lack of response as a que to take his leave. 

"I'm sorry kung pinaramdam ko sa'yo na lagi kang mali. Ayoko na sa huling beses na magkikita tayo 'yon ang nakatatak sa utak mo." Gregorio smiled, it was a sad one-- full of the consequences of every wrong move they made over the last couple of years. "Mahal naman kita eh, 'yon na lang isipin mo. Good bye, Enteng." 

And with that he walked out of the cafe, and walked out of Vicente's life for good. 

He watched his friend leave, he couldn't bring himself to go after him and tell him to stay, because to be honest, what was the point? 

"Putangina paano ba kami humantong dito?"


	2. Ako'y Nahalina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hits you when you least expect it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!!! Medyo napahaba. Promise next chapter 2k words na lang. Enjoy. 
> 
> Kung gusto niyo lalo saktan sarili niyo read this with Ben&Ben's Kathang Isip.

**[2018, November - 5:00 pm]**

Gregorio entered his shared studio apartment and immediately noticed the mess— the unwashed dishes, the mixed piles of dirty and clean clothes scattered around the living room floor, the grimy stove, and the windows that have seen better days. This only added to the young man's frustration. He slammed the door behind him and immediately began to clean.

At least this would help him take his mind off of what transpired this afternoon. At least for a few hours he can pretend that he didn't just make the biggest mistake of his life.

Gregorio began to grab the clothes on the floor, one by one, separating what can still be worn and what belongs in the laundry basket. But while his body moved, his mind still wandered. He really did it. He really turned his back on his friend. His best friend, the man he loved with all his heart. Vicente—no—Enteng. 

He sat on the ratty sofa and started to properly fold all the clean clothes.

Enteng. His Enteng.

Enteng who got in trouble when they were eleven for punching a boy who was making fun of Felicidad; who used to bring him breakfast when they shared a 7 am class in college because, _"Goyong, mamamatay ka ng maaga kung hindi mo aalagaan ang sarili mo. Kumain ka ng almusal"_ ; who ran from Quezon City all the way to Bulacan just so he could comfort Gregorio when his favorite uncle died; who tells dumb jokes even though he knows nobody is going to laugh, just to lighten up the mood; who has such a nice boyish charm, he doesn't even need to make an effort for anyone to notice him.

Brave, fierce, loyal, and kind-hearted Enteng.

Enteng, who he was stupid enough to say goodbye, too.

"Shit," Gregorio whispered as tears began to stream down his face. "Shit."

All the sadness, and hurt, and regret that he's been holding in for the past few years suddenly emerged and now, he can't help but cry. There's nothing else he can do but wallow in his own misery and throw himself a pity party. All the cleaning he planned to do is now forgotten, he clutched the garment he was holding and released a stream of loud sobs. If he was being honest with himself, he might actually be having a panic attack.

He can feel his face getting numb and his lungs caving in. Try as he might, he can't stop the tears from pouring. He knew the right thing to do was to slowly move his fingers to get the blood flowing, but even that simple act felt too much of a chore. Or maybe Gregorio just wanted to experience the onslaught of pain that accompanied his decision to ruin the best relationship he's ever had.

 _This is where my selfishness got me_ , he thought. _Alone in a banged up apartment, hyperventilating, unable to calm myself down. I could probably die like this._ He closed his eyes and didn’t even try to fight it.

Right on que, his older brother, Julian came out of his bed room, yawning wide and stretching his arms, as if he just woke up from a long nap. One look at the state Gregorio was in and he quickly jumped into action, grabbing the emergency paper bag they keep by the bathroom door.

This isn’t Gregorio’s first episode, not by a long shot, but it has been a long time since his last attack.

Julian sat his brother up properly, forcing the younger del Pilar to straighten his back. He offered the paper bag and guided Gregorio on his breathing exercises. He gently rubbed his brother’s fingers, first, to lessen the numbness, and second, as a comforting gesture. Julian exhaled a sigh of relief when he noticed his brother begin to calm down. He slowly moved his hands away and inched back a little, giving him some space so as not to overwhelm him.

Tears were still rolling down his cheeks but not as intense as before, and his breathing has evened out. Gregorio cleared his throat and finally looked at his brother. Julian only cocked an eyebrow.

“Anong nangyari?”

He doesn’t think he could speak. Or rather, he doesn’t think he could say it out loud. It’s one thing to admit to himself what he had done, but telling someone else would make it real. Honestly he wants to take it back—everything he did, everything he said—he wanted to say he meant none of it, but there seems to be no going back for them.

He was shaken out of his thoughts by Julian’s grasp on his shoulder.

“Huy!” His brother said, while snapping his fingers in front of Gregorio’s face. “Nakatulala ka diyan, mamaya niyan hihingal-hingal ka nanaman, hindi na kita aasikasuhin. Ano ba kasi nangyari? Ha?”

His lips began to quiver as tears welled up his eyes once more. “Kuya, iniwan ko siya. Iniwan ko si Enteng.”

“Ha? Bakit mo iniwan? Baka hindi marunong umuwi ‘yon mag isa, may pagka bobits pa naman ‘yon minsan.”

The attempt at humor did not go unnoticed. Gregorio gave out a small chuckle, but immediately returned to staring blankly. He took a deep breath and leaned on the backrest of the sofa, while staring at their ceiling he realized its complete blankness. It’s all white, save for the thin lines of its cracks. For a minute he was transfixed with its emptiness, a complete opposite of whatever is going on inside his mind—it’s as though he was feeling nothing and everything all at once.

Again, Julian’s grip on his shoulder shook him out of his reverie, but just barely.

“Nakikinig ka ba, Goyong? Sabi ko ang katapat lang ng problema mo ay one bot. One bot lang!”

He can hear what his brother is saying, but part of it has been tuned out in favor of a memory his mind decided to set off to. The young man closed his eyes. 

**[2014, February – 8:00 pm]**

“One bot lang! One bot lang talaga kaya ko!” Despite Vicente’s insistence, Gregorio can hear the glee in his best friend’s voice. _Hindi naman pala siya kontra sa pag inom,_ he thought. He put his arm around Vicente and he led the way to the nearest, cheapest, bar he knew.

They have both survived the bloodiest subject they had for the day and now, they’re just looking to unwind for a bit. Vicente, like the responsible, young man he is, simply wanted to return to his house in Quezon City and sleep off the stress, Gregorio of course, had other plans.

The small bar was jam packed when they arrived and Gregorio instantly sensed his best friend’s discomfort. He gave Vicente a worried look, and then cocked his head to the side, implying that they could leave if he wanted too. Polite as ever, Vicente just shrugged his head. “Okay lang. Nandito na tayo eh. At tsaka one bot lang naman diba?” Gregorio just looked on ahead and did not answer; he laughed when Vicente pulled away from his grip and lightly punched his arm. “Gago ka ang sabi mo isa lang! Ang aga-aga pa ng pasok ko bukas!”

He punched his friend again, but this time a little harder than the first. Gregorio’s eyes grew wide. “Lintek! Masakit na ‘yon ah!” He tried to grab hold of him but Vicente was quick to move away. He ran after him and the next thing they knew, they we’re chasing each other in and out of the different alleyways in the city. They almost knocked down a cigarette stand at one point.

Vicente was the first to give in, stopping at a random street to catch his breath; he raised his hand up to signal a halt in their roughhousing.

“Sandali lang. Hihikain yata ako,” he said, while panting.

Gregorio released a breathless laugh and flicked his best friend’s ear.

“Tanga. Wala ka namang hika eh.”

He slumped on the sidewalk and Vicente followed suit. The lampposts near them flickered but was mostly off, the dim 7/11 across the street was their only source of light. Vicente took out his phone to check the time—9:10 pm, it read.

“Ano? Uwi ka na? Gregorio asked.

Vicente put his phone back in his pocket and shrugged. “Wag ka mag-alala, hindi pa,” now he was the one to put his arm around Gregorio. “Hindi kita iiwan.”

The sincerity in his voice coupled with the proximity of their faces made Gregorio’s breath hitch and for a split second, he thought of leaning forward and closing the gap between them.

He hastily stood up, unable to look at his friend in the eye. His flushed face might give his musings away. _Tangina ano ba ‘tong mga naiisip ko?_ He was suddenly aware of Vicente’s presence beside him, still seated on the asphalt. _Shit,_ he cursed himself. _Siguradong takang-taka ‘yan ba’t ako biglang napatayo._ In a moment of panic, and before Vicente could even utter a word, he grabbed the man by the arm and said, “Tara! Diba iinom pa tayo?”

He placed a hand on Gregorio’s shoulder to balance himself, as he replied, “Babalik ba tayo doon sa bar kanina? Diba meron namang mas malapit sa street na ‘to?”

Once again, the unease in his voice was apparent. Gregorio wanted to enjoy himself but not at the expense of his most trusted friend. He was about to suggest that they just eat dinner then go home when he noticed the store in front of them. He grinned.

“Huy. Ano ‘yang ngiti na ‘yan?”

He looked at his friend and pointed toward the 7/11. “Diyan. Diyan tayo iinom,” he exclaimed.

Vicente pulled a face that could only be described as one of a confused puppy’s. _Cute,_ Gregorio thought. _Shit, no, mali. Hindi cute. Si Enteng ‘yan ano ka ba? Hindi cute si Enteng._ He pushed those thoughts at the very back of his mind and focused on the conversation they were having. Vicente was still waiting for an explanation.

“Eto parang inosente eh,” he teased. “Bibili tayong alak tapos sa loob din natin iinumin—John Lloyd gaming.”

This earned a laugh from his best friend. “Bakit si John Lloyd?”

Gregorio nudged Vicente to follow him across the street and as they walked he explained, “Diba doon sa One More Chance sa loob ng convenience store lang sila uminom ng San Mig?”

“Mukha ba kong nanonood ng One More Chance? Ha?” Vicente asked as he lightly shoved Gregorio.

As they entered the store, both boys went straight to the freezers and stared at the assortment of alcoholic beverages before them. Gregorio opened the door and a blast of cool air greeted him. “Imposible na hindi mo pa napapanood ang One More Chance,” he rolled his eyes at his friend and proceeded to grab two bottles of Smirnoff Mule. “Ano sa’yo?” Vicente shrugged and took out a bottle of San Miguel Flavoured Beer. He held it close to his face and flashed Gregorio a cheeky grin. 

_Putangina wag kang ngumiti ng ganiyan._

He snatched the bottle from Vicente and made a beeline for the counter. 

“Aba himala! Hindi mo yata ako inasar sa drinking choices ko!” his friend called out, but he couldn’t really answer back. His mind was racing once again. Where did all these thoughts come from? He’s known the guy since they were kids—has he been harboring these feelings all along?

“Fuck!” he cursed out loud. This startled the young cashier, but seemed too tired to pay his outburst any mind. Gregorio apologized nonetheless. “Sorry.” The cashier only grunted in response and went on with the motions of charging and bagging his purchase. He jolted at the sudden weight of a hand—Vicente’s—on his shoulder. He looked at him and saw that worry was written all over his friend’s face.

“Huy. Okay ka lang ba?” 

Gregorio just nodded, paid for their drinks, and went out. He can still feel Vicente’s concerned gaze as his friend followed him, but he didn’t—couldn’t explain what was going on with him. Or maybe he could but he just doesn’t want to. Or maybe he wants to, but he just doesn’t know how. 

_Alcohol always helps,_ he thought. 

They sat back down on the sidewalk, Gregorio took out a keychain which doubles as a bottle opener. He opened both their drinks and handed Vicente his. The young man was obviously still wary of his friend but accepted the bottle nonetheless. They both drank in silence. 

Gregorio felt the warm embrace of semi-intoxication as he downed one bottle after the other. Lightheadedness overtook him as the entire day’s stress left his body. He was at ease. Vicente tugged at his sleeve, and gave him a questioning look. Gregorio understood, nodded and smiled at his friend. And though his friend still seemed skeptical, he did not push on. He knew that Gregorio will share what’s on his mind in his own time. 

Once again, Gregorio was filled with so much emotions for the boy sitting in front of him. 

_Hindi ko inakala na may taong makakakilala sa akin nang ganito—bawat kilos ko naiintindihan niya. Hindi ko na kailangan magsalita, alam na niya agad kung ano ang ibig kong sabihin. Isang tao na sinusuportahan ako at inaalagaan nang walang halong panghuhusga at pagdududa._

_Patay._

“Ay! Oo nga pala,” Vicente brought out a crumpled fifty peso bill from his back pocket and offered it to Gregorio. “Bayad para doon sa beer.” 

“Tanga ano ka ba? Libre ko na, ayos lang,” he winked. He’s much more relaxed now, much freer with his actions. He rested his entire body on his best friend. _This isn’t weird. Touchy naman talaga ako pag lasing eh._

He can feel Vicente’s shoulder shake as he chuckled. “Ikaw kapag nakainom mas malandi ka talaga ano? Walang pinipili.” Gregorio laughed, closed his eyes and put his entire weight on Vicente, playfully crushing him. The young man attempted to shrug him off but didn’t really give much of a fight. “Hindi mo ko makukuha sa mga ganiyan-ganiyan mo, Goyong.” 

“Paano ba kita makukuha?” Gregorio opened one eye, sneaking a glance to see his friend’s reaction. “Hypothetically speaking lang. Paano ba?” 

Vicente took a long time before he could respond. Gregorio held his breath. 

“Short answer is, hindi mo ko makukuha at all.” 

Gregorio shot up, taken aback by the tactlessness. “Kupal ka. Bakit naman?” 

“Ako pa talaga kupal?!” Vicente asked incredulously. “Ulol. Kita ko firsthand kung paano trato mo sa mga nagiging shota mo. Ayokong maganoon. At tsaka—” He hesitated. Gregorio nudged his knee, encouraging him to go on. 

Though he looked pensive, he continued, “‘Yong thought kasi na kaibigan mo, tapos magiging kayo. Ewan. Ang pangit ng ganoon para sa akin. Parang ang labo kasi. Bad move pag nag bago turing niyo sa isa’t isa, pero bad move din naman kung hindi. Tapos paano kung nag break kayo? Nawalan ka na nga ng shota, nawalan ka pa ng tropa? Parang ang laking talo. Wag na lang.” 

He shrugged. Gregorio nodded. 

_Ah. Wag na lang._

He looked up at the night sky and noted the stillness of everything. There were no stars that night—just the vast, empty, nothingness staring back at him. He closed his eyes. _Wag na lang._

**[2018, November - 6:10pm]**

Gregorio’s eyes slowly opened and little by little he brought his attention back to the present. His brother is still babbling about going out to drink and inviting some friends. 

“Sinasabi ko sa’yo, konting inom, konting kwentuhan, makakalimutan mo rin ‘yan—”

“Ayokong lumabas,” he said with such finality in his voice that Julian was unable to object.. He got up to go to his own room, where he laid, thinking about all the chances he didn’t take and all the ones he should’ve just let pass.


	3. Siguraduhin Mong Hindi Talaga Pwedeng Tayo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reluctance is the enemy. And so is alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, late update. Sorry na. #SakitanSabado turned into #SakitanSunday. S pa rin naman kaya pwede pa rin.
> 
> Rushed and unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine. Kung may wrong grammar or spelling somewhere paki sabi na lang, edit ko kaagad ahaha. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**[2018, November - 4:12 pm]**

A few minutes have passed since Gregorio stormed out of the cafe, but Vicente is still glued to his seat. He knows he should move, stand and walk out and just go home. But he can’t. He doesn’t think he has the energy for it. He rubbed his face so hard he felt as though it might come off. 

_Ang gulo-gulo naman._

He sighed and spotted the half-full mug in front of him. He downed his coffee all in one go and groaned. Too fucking sweet. But he knew that already. 

Vicente already knew a lot of things and yet he still challenges them. He knows he shouldn’t have chugged the coffee because of its excess in sugar, yet he did. He knows he shouldn’t have lied to his parents when he said yes when they asked if he had enough money to get him through the month, yet he did. He knows he shouldn’t have been dumb enough to start something complicated with his best friend, and yet he fucking did. 

Itching for someone to vent to, Vicente brought out his phone and started to type a number by memory. He stopped himself before pressing call, the number he dialed was Gregorio’s. Even when he’s arguing with the man, it’s still Gregorio he wants to talk with about his problems. It’s still Gregorio. It’s always Gregorio.

But it shouldn’t be. 

Making up his mind, he erased the number he had previously typed, and went to his contact list to look up a new one. Vicente pressed “call” after finding who he’s looking for. It rang three times before the other person picked up.

“Hello? Vince?” 

The voice was soothing, with just the right amount of politeness that verged on hesitation—as if he couldn’t believe that Vicente wanted to talk to him for the sole purpose of, well, because he just wanted to. He couldn’t help it. He smiled. 

“Vicente? Bakit ka walang imik? May problema ba? Na-wrong call ka ba?” 

The smile spread even more, turning into a full-on grin. If he looked like an idiot to the rest of the customers, then so be it. The overly fussing nature of the boy at the other end of the line is enough to make him feel as though he swallowed a mouth-full of butterflies. For a moment, he forgot about the exchange that took place just minutes ago. A very fleeting moment. He had to come back to reality. 

He cleared his throat before speaking. “Joven,” he said, his voice almost pleading. “Okay lang bang puntahan mo ko dito ngayon? Kailangan ko ng kausap eh.” 

There was a beat before he spoke. In those short, few seconds Vicente swore he could hear his own heartbeat. Relief washed over him when Joven answered with a “yes”, ensuring him that he’d be there in a few minutes and that he doesn’t need to worry about a thing. It felt good knowing that he can count on someone like this. That he has someone in his life that he could turn to when everything is falling apart. 

_May ganoon ka naman eh_ , his mind supplies. _Hindi mo lang inayos_. 

Pushing those thoughts away, he moved to stand and place a new order. One for him and one for Joven. As he was approaching the counter, it quickly dawned on him that he didn’t know what kind of drink Joven would want. Should he order a basic latte, or a frappuccino, maybe a black coffee would do, just to play it safe. Does Joven even drink coffee? _Shit_. 

He settled on ordering a plain house blend iced tea for the both of them. You could never go wrong with iced tea after all. Asking Joven on his regular order has now been decided as a topic for conversation once the young man arrives. Though to be fair, Joven isn’t flashy at all so it would not surprise Vicente if he really just takes his coffee black. 

That’s a breath of fresh air compared to the mouthful he had to say when he used to buy coffee for Gregorio. 

_Quad long shot grande in a venti cup, half calf double cupped, no sleeve, salted caramel mocha latte with 2 pumps of vanilla. substitute 2 pumps of white chocolate mocha for mocha and substitute 2 pumps of hazelnut for toffee nut, half whole milk and half breve with no whipped cream, extra hot, extra foam, extra caramel drizzle, extra salt, add a scoop of vanilla bean powder, with light ice well stirred._

As he moves to sit back down to his table, he can’t help but be impressed with himself for still memorizing that long-ass string of words. He also can’t help but a feel a bit nostalgic. He missed being a scrawny 15 year-old, saving up on his weekly allowance just so he and Gregorio could afford to go to Starbucks once a month. It would usually fall on a Sunday, right after they attend mass with their families they’d meet up at the local mall.

Sometimes Julian would go with them, sometimes Felicidad would too. But usually, it was just the two of them. It was their day. They called it “Linggo ng Lakwatsa”, and they’d be out and about for that entire Sunday. After getting their coffee fix, they might go watch a movie, or if there isn’t anything good showing, then they’d hit the nearest arcade and spend the whole afternoon playing basketball and making outrageous bets between each other.

_“Unang makaabot ng 60 points ililibre ng kwek-kwek buong taon!”_

_“Weh? Unang maka-100 points papakopyahin lagi ng assignment sa trigo!”_

_“Hala cheater ka pala eh! Mag-aral ka kasi para mataas din grade mo!”_

_“Wag ka nga diyan! Sa math ka lang naman magaling eh!”_

Vicente smiled as he remembered that particular exchange between them. It all seems so long ago. As they grew up, their Sunday escapades lessened. Though they attended the same university and had classes together, it can’t be helped that both friends got swept up in the tangle of their own separate lives. He became busy with the different organizations and societies he joined, while Gregorio’s time was taken up by whoever was his “significant other” of the month. 

There simply wasn’t enough room for their “Linggo ng Lakwatsa”, and they just had to make their peace with that. It’s not like they don’t get to hangout anymore, it’s just that the special day that they established for themselves slowly became a memory. 

Come to think of it, today was supposed to be an homage to those days. It’s fitting because it’s a Sunday, and they cleared both their schedules just to make it happen. Boy, did things not go the way they had planned. 

A light tap on his shoulder interrupted him from his retrospection. Vicente turned his head and came face to face with a warm smile worn by a bespectacled young man. 

“Hi!” Joven greeted. “Sorry kung medyo natagalan ako.” 

As Joven sat on the seat across from him, Vicente checked his phone for the time. It’s half past five. _Time moves fast when you’re reminiscing, I guess_. He faced the man in front of him and was surprised to see that Joven had a concerned look in his eyes. He was about to ask what was wrong when realized that he was the target of said look. 

“O. Bakit naman ganiyan tingin mo sa akin?” he asked. 

“May nangyari ba, Vince? Ang sabi mo kasi buong araw kayo magkasama ni Goyo.” The younger man was fiddling with his fingernails. He doesn’t know his body language yet. Is he annoyed? Is he worrying about me or worrying about my relationship with Goyong? Which is it? Vicente was at a loss. “Tapos bigla kang tumawag na parang sobrang distressed ka. Nag away ba kayo?”

Vicente swallowed hard before answering, “Parang ganoon na nga. Sorry ha, hindi yata good idea na sayo ako magshe-share tungkol dito,” he gave a half-hearted laugh. 

Joven reached for his hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “Okay lang ano ka ba. Kahit ano pa ‘yan pwede mong sabihin sa’kin. Hindi kita huhusgahan.” The choice of words made Vicente pull back his hand. It reminded him of a time a similar gesture was done by the person who was sitting across from him about an hour ago. The younger man just stared and waited for an explanation. “Sorry. May naalala lang ako.” 

He nodded, clearly urging Vicente to continue. 

**[2015, August - 11:55 pm]**

“Hindi kita huhusgahan!” Gregorio slurred as they staggered off into the confusing hallways of Vicente’s family’s ancestral house in Bulacan. It was his grandfather’s birthday so naturally, the alcohol flowed freely that night. He was most definitely drunk, his best friend on the other hand, was completely shit-faced. 

Gregorio was holding onto him just so he could properly stand—he was walking behind him and had both arms wrapped around Vicente’s neck, a little tighter and he was sure that Gregorio could choke him to death. Gregorio’s clinginess while drunk is considered adorable until you realize how deadly it could actually be. 

“Hoy, Enteng! Dali na sabihin mo na sa akin sino doon ‘yong nambasted sa’yo. Hindi kita huhusgahan promise.” Vicente rolled his eyes at his friend’s insistence. He dragged Gregorio towards the left corridor where his room was located. As they entered, Vicente sluggishly tossed Gregorio on his bed. “Ang bigat mo,” he complained. “Itulog mo na lang ‘yang tama mo.”

But Gregorio was adamant to get an answer. “Enteeeeeeeng!” 

Vicente sat down on the bed beside him and rubbed his temples. “Anoooooo,” he mimicked. He eyed the glass of water on the bedside drawer, he picked it up and checked to see if it was clean. He realized that he didn’t really care at that point and proceeded to drink it anyway. 

“Sino nga ‘yong babae?” He paused and then added, “Or lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ka ba sa spectrum pero alam ko hindi ka straight.” Vicente nearly spit out his water. 

“Tangina ano?!” 

Gregorio looked confused at his reaction, and his confusion quickly turned into panic. He immediately sat up. “Hala gago! Mali ba ko!? Shit shit sorry!” Vicente’s initial shock was overpowered by amusement. He placed a reassuring grip on Gregorio’s arm and laughed it off. “Hindi, hindi, tama ka naman. Nagulat lang ako na nakutoban mo pala.” 

His friend snickered. “Kilala kita, Enteng. Wala kang matatago sa akin. Kahit mga hindi mo pa alam tungkol sa sarili mo, alam ko na.” Vicente playfully shoved his friend for the jab. “Kaya sabihin mo na, sino na ‘yong nambasted sa’yo? ‘Yong may nunal ba sa noo?” 

“Tanga hindi. Pinsan ko ‘yon ano ka ba.” Gregorio just shrugged in response. 

“‘Yong maiksi ang buhok. ‘Yong nagdala ng sampung supot ng chicharon. Si Clara.” Vicente sighed. “Wala eh, hindi yata ako type.” 

“Ulol. Ang sabihin mo hindi ka lang marunong mangligaw ng tama,” his friend teased. He grabbed a pillow and started hitting Gregorio with it, punctuating every hit with the words, “Gago!” and “Tangina mo!” respectively. When he was satisfied with the smacks he landed, Vicente discarded the cushion to the side. 

His face hurt because of how wide he was smiling. _Kahit kupal ‘tong si Goyong, sobrang saya ko tuwing kasama ko siya_ , he thought—or rather, he realized. He may be drunk, but he knew an epiphany when he sensed one. _Fuck. Masyado akong lasing para pag isipan ‘to_.

He jumped when Gregorio nudged his knee with his own. “Oy. Sa susunod magpatulong ka sa akin. Tignan mo ko, mabilis lang makakuha ng jowa.” 

“Mabilis ding mawalan,” Vicente said without thinking. He regretted the words as they left his mouth, and regretted it even more when he noticed Gregorio’s face fall. “Sorry. Sensitive topic nga pala.” 

His friend was quiet for a while, which made him feel guiltier. He was about to apologize again when Gregorio unceremoniously placed his head on Vicente’s lap. He can feel the blush creeping on his face, thankful that Gregorio had his eyes closed so he wouldn’t see. _Pahamak talaga minsan pagiging clingy drunk nito. Shit._

“Hindi ko naman sinasadya eh, na mabilis magpapalit-palit ng shota.” 

He noted how fragile his friend’s voice sounded. Normally, it would’ve been laced with confidence—the kind of smooth and slick bravado that makes both men and women squirm on their seats. That’s Gregorio del Pilar for you, arrogant to a fault and reckless in his own stupidly charming way, he was known for getting in and out of relationships faster than greased lightning, and yet people still keep throwing themselves at him. 

“Kilala mo ko, Enteng.” _Kilalang-kilala_. “Wala akong hindi sineryoso sa lahat ng mga naging jowa ko, kahit fling lang ‘yan, all-in ako. All-in talaga. All-in.” 

He was like a petulant child, repeating words to convince himself of its truth. If his admirers saw him like this, they might knock him out of the pedestal they insist on putting him in. Inside these four walls he wasn’t the dashing playboy he made himself to be. He was just Goyong. Jittery and unsure of himself, always needing the right amount of validation before making a decision. 

It astounded Vicente how his friend trusts him enough to show this side that no one else knows. To show him this amount of vulnerability is to show him all his weaknesses. Vicente’s heart swelled at the thought. He looked down at Gregorio, the other man had his eyes closed. He made a bold move and lightly stroked his friend’s cheek with his index finger. Gregorio’s eyes fluttered. 

“Ayon,” he continued. “Hindi ko rin gets eh pero kasi, kung gaano ako kabilis pumatol, ganoon din ako kabilis bumitaw.” 

Vicente had to laugh. “So, inaamin mo na ba finally na hindi ka talaga marunong mag commit?” 

“Tarantado. Never ko naman dineny ‘yon eh.” He turned so he was now lying on his back, with his head still on Vicente’s lap. “Pero alam mo ‘yon, sa lahat sa kanila, ni isa wala man lang pumigil sa akin pag makikipag break na ko.” He let out a slight chuckle before continuing. “Parang masaya na sila sa 7-days free trial, ayaw na nila mag premium.” 

Vicente laughed harder at the metaphor. 

“Wag kang tumawa, tanga! Seryoso kasi. Hindi ba ko worth it i-premium?” 

He was about to counter in a teasing manner but then noticed the tears pouring down Gregorio's cheeks. The young man made a mental note to give a beat down to anyone who would make his friend cry like this again. He held Gregorio’s face with one of his hands and looked intently in his eyes. 

“Gusto ko lang malaman mo, na hindi ka mahirap mahalin.” 

None of them could remember who moved first, but in a quick flurry of motion they found themselves furiously kissing the other. It was intense and messy, with too much teeth for both of their liking, yet neither could stop. Neither of them wanted to stop. It’s as if they’ve been waiting for this exact moment their entire lives. And they probably were. 

Somewhere along the line, Gregorio has placed one of his hands on the small of Vicente’s back, while the other one sat firmly on his upper thigh. He liked these placements, he decided. The way his friend was holding him made him feel safe, protected, loved. He never wanted the feeling to end. 

But you can’t always get what you want. Gregorio pulled away first. Vicente was afraid that he was going to apologize, but his friend said nothing and just kept his head down. This was the softest he’s ever seen the man. They never took off their clothes but in that moment, he could sense how naked Gregorio felt—as if in kissing him, Vicente accidentally intruded on something private. The silence was deafening. 

“Goyong—”

Gregorio shook his head, looked up, and gave him a light peck on the lips. “Mamaya, pagka gising natin, pag-uusapan natin ‘to. Promise.” And with that he moved to lie on the other side of the bed, facing away from Vicente. 

**[2018, November - 6:03 pm]**

Joven was gaping at him. “Bakit hindi mo agad sinabi sa akin ‘yan?! Naging kayo pala.” 

Vicente shrugged. “Hindi din. Hindi naman kami nag-usap kinabukasan eh.” He focused on the ice melting in his drink. “Hindi siya nag initiate, hindi din ako nag initiate. Wala din.” 

“Paano ‘yon? Back to normal kayo? Parang walang nangyari?” 

He shook his head. Everything changed after that night. The problem was that both of them wanted to hold on to the illusion of normalcy. They pretended that their relationship was still the same even if they both understood that something was shifting. Looking back, Vicente now realized that their reluctance to accept that particular fact was what made everything complicated between them. It’s why they didn’t work. 

He looked out of the cafe’s window and stared at the vast, never ending, nothingness of the sky. _Kung siya nakatitig dito ngayon, paniguradong may mga maaalala siya._ He sighed. _Kamusta kaya siya? Sana masaya siya sa naging desisyon niya._


	4. Hindi ko Naman Yata Ika Mamatay kung Hindi ko Mahawakan ang iyong Kamay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Most of the time, waiting gets you nowhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so mukhang tuwing Sunday na talaga ako makakapag update nito fam. Anyway, if ya'll would want to hurt yourself more, I created a playlist based on this fic. Check it out on [Spotify.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1u9subZKtb3e1tGASuWtgv)
> 
> **Angelica Panganiban voice** I don't need tissue please stop judging me. Please! Stop!

**[2018, November - 7:00 am]**

_Gising na tanga! Gising na tanga! Gising na tanga!_

At exactly 7 am sharp, Gregorio’s alarm went off—signalling for him to wake up. It was a voice recording made by Julian. His brother set it up when he borrowed his phone, pretending to make an urgent call. He should’ve known that the older del Pilar had other motives. 

That was 4 months ago. Gregorio never bothered to change it back. It annoys him into waking up, so at least it gets the job done. Besides, though he wouldn’t admit it out loud, he feels at ease knowing that with just a tap of a button he can hear Julian’s playful voice anytime. 

_Gising na tanga! Gising na tanga! Gising na tanga!_

Today though, he was not in the mood to do anything except doze off the entire day away. _Screw work._ He let the alarm die down and kept his eyes closed, willing himself back to sleep. He was getting there, slowly feeling his mind calmly dance in and out of consciousness. The quiet atmosphere made it easier to drift off.

“Gising na tanga!” 

The door to his room slammed open, his blankets were yanked away from him, and his curtains were drawn to the side, letting all the unwelcome sunlight in. The sudden brightness forced Gregorio to open up his eyes and the sight that greeted him sent shivers down his spine. 

Looking down on him like some ethereal goddess, clad in a red slip dress, and basking in the glow of the morning sun, is none other than Felicidad Aguinaldo. Both a cherished childhood friend and an ex lover. Even without considering their romantic past, Gregorio was still stunned by how beautiful she looked. Of course that all changes once she opens her mouth. 

“Ano Goyong? Buong araw ka na lang magmumukmok diyan? Kawawang-kawawa ka nanaman? Ang laki nanaman ng kasalanan ng buong mundo sa iyo?”

Gregorio groaned and raised a middle finger to the woman as he rubbed one of his eyes, removing the last remnants of sleep from his mind. “Pakyu. Ang aga-aga nanggugulo ka.” 

With the familiarity and crass that only she can pull off, Felicidad proceeded to rummage through Gregorio’s cabinet, she takes out a clean shirt and tosses it over to Gregorio. He grunted as the fabric hit his face. 

Felicidad was taking none of his shit. She was about to give him a scolding when her phone rang. She moved to answer the call but not before giving Gregorio a stern glare. “Pag tapos ko sa tawag na ‘to dapat naka bihis ka na’t nakaupo sa kusina.” 

The young man knows a losing argument when he sees one. Pulling the shirt over his head, he lazily stood up and made his way to their tiny kitchen. Julian was already there, a mug of coffee on one hand and a piece of pan de sal on the other. He giggled when he saw Gregorio, wiggling his eyebrows to further annoy his younger brother. 

Gregorio grabbed a dirty rag by the counter and threw it on Julian’s face, this only made the older del Pilar laugh harder. 

“Kupal,” he whispered under his breath, as he sat down on their small dining table. He wasn’t in the mood to be bullied into anything today, but he’s slowly realizing how little choice he had in the matter. 

He took a piece of bread and dunked it in Julian’s coffee, completely ignoring his brother’s protestations. On the other side of their apartment was Felicidad talking uncharacteristically chipper with someone on her phone. She looks enthusiastic, like she’s ready to bounce all over the place. Must be a work matter, Gregorio presumes. His childhood friend isn’t usually that perky. Most of the time, she’s a she-demon ready to raise hell on anyone who’d cross her. 

Gregorio can remember how scared he was to break up with her that he never attempted it. He almost shuddered at the thought when Felicidad sat in front of him, having ended her call and is getting ready to make a new one. She dialed a number and waited for whoever it was on the other end of the line to pick up. 

“Good morning, sir! This is Fely!” 

Both brothers looked at each other and snickered. 

“Fely fely ka diyan. Neneng kaya palayaw mo,” Gregorio teased. Felicidad only rolled her eyes at the two of them, careful not to make any unpleasant remarks while talking to a client. She stands to continue her conversation away from the two men annoying her, and Gregorio quickly hisses at Julian.

“Bakit andito ‘yan?” 

“Pinapunta ko,” his brother nonchalantly replied. 

“Oo nga, pero bakit?” 

Julian shrugged. “Baka kailangan mo ng rebound eh.” 

Gregorio elbows his brother, nearly knocking him out of his seat. It’s a good thing that the older del Pilar is patient when it comes to him and just took the hit lightly. Julian arranged how he was sitting and then put a hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “Hayaan mo lang na kausapin ka niya, baka mas gumaan loob mo.” 

And in perfectly accurate timing, Felicidad once again sat down in front of them. “Okay, Gregorio del Pilar. This is an intervention.” 

His brother laughed in response. Gregorio groaned, making his frustration known to the assholes in front of him, and covered both ears with his hands. 

Felicidad attempted to swat his hand away but Gregorio wouldn’t budge. It was her turn to cry out in exasperation. “Goyong, alam mo ba kung bakit ako nakipag hiwalay sa’yo?” 

He looked her dead in the eye. “Kasi tibo ka? Tapos sinulot mo jowa ko?” 

Julian nearly rolled on the floor as he let out the most boisterous laugh he’d given out the entire morning. He made a mental note to kick his brother out the moment he gets the chance. Julian is having way too much fun at his and Felicidad’s expense. Speaking of the hellbeast in the form of a beautiful woman, he’s sure that his answer hit a nerve. He prepared himself to be put to place. _Choose your battles, Goyong,_ he reminded himself. 

“Una sa lahat,” Felicidad began. “Walang sulutang naganap. Break na kayo ni Remy noong nagkaroon ng kami, okay?” Gregorio eyed Julian who was sarcastically nodding in agreement. _Fuck him._ “At ikalawa, nakipag break ako sa’yo kasi hanggang salita ka lang, Goyong. Walang follow up.” 

Gregorio grimaced at the comment. 

“O bakit? Hindi ba totoo?” Felicidad pointed at Julian. “Tama naman diba?” 

His brother put both hands up, signalling that he did not want to be included in the discussion. Typical him. There only for his own amusement and nothing else. 

Gregorio wanted to protest, wanted to say that when it comes to Vicente, he would always make good on his promises. He wanted to scream at the two of them for even assuming that he would dare hurt his best friend, he couldn’t do it even if he tried. 

But that’s a lie. He already did. Not just through his actions but with what he said, what he implied. 

There was a sudden sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He hated it. He hated himself. The world should just swallow him whole. On second thought, the world should swallow him and then spit him back out, like the useless filth he is. He’s not worth anything, he knows it and so does the entire universe. 

“Iniwan ko siya,” he suddenly found himself saying. “Iniwan ko si Enteng.” 

“Paano mo siya iiwan kung hindi naman naging kayo?” Felicidad asked. “Hindi kayo.”

Gregorio wanted to bang his head on the table. He didn’t want to be reminded of that fact. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He doesn’t want to remember. 

**[2016, November - 6:26 pm]**

“Hindi tayo!” Vicente spat out. The venom laced in his voice was enough to instill hurt in Gregorio, but he’d have to deal with that later. Right now he’s angry, and rightfully so. “Hindi ko responsibilidad na sabihin sa’yo bawat lakad ko!” 

They were at his office building’s parking lot. They stood facing each other in a stance that can only be described as combative. Vicente had his arms crossed in front of him, a defensive mannerism, Gregorio on the other hand, had both arms gesturing animatedly. He was so thankful that there was no one else around to witness their heated argument. 

Good. He can go all out. 

“Regardless sa kung ano man ‘tong nangyayari sa atin mula nong nakaraang taon, Enteng, best friend mo ko. Deserve ko naman siguro malaman kung hindi ka makakapunta sa lakad natin. Hindi ‘yong bigla ka na lang hindi sisipot.”

Vicente was about to counter but Gregorio cut him off. 

“Sandali, hindi pa ko tapos. Sobrang wala lang ba ko, ha? I don’t even get an ‘Uy tol! Sorry. Hindi ako makakapunta sa lakad natin, sa mismong araw ng birthday mo.’” 

Rubbing his face in frustration, Vicente just leaned back on his car, clearly feeling defeated. “Nag sorry naman na ko diba? Pinaliwanag ko naman na na natambakan ako sa trabaho diba? Kaya nga pinuntahan kita ngayon sa opisina mo eh, babawi ako.” 

He had to admit that the fact that Vicente would want to make it up to him softened his heart. He wasn’t going to give in easily, though. Call it pride, but he refused to be swayed by kind words alone. 

“Ang tagal kong nag hintay.” A sudden realization hit him. “Enteng, ang tagal-tagal ko nang nag hihintay sa’yo.” 

He moved as if he wanted to say something in response but decided against it. Vicente didn’t know what to say. Gregorio caught him off guard. This pleased him. Overt confrontation was never his go-to move but maybe this is as good a time as any. He egged him on. 

“Hindi lang naman ako diba? Hindi lang ako nakaka-sense na may iba na sa atin?” 

Vicente shook his head. 

So it wasn’t just him. For the past year, ever since that one drunken night that he let himself go, Gregorio thought that he was just reading too much into things—that there wasn’t anything going on between them, at least not anything worth mentioning. 

But now, things are looking much clearer. It isn’t a risk anymore as much as it is a step that they both needed to take. He took a deep breath. 

“So nasaan na tayo? Bakit walang tayo?” 

Vicente gave an incredulous laugh. “Bakit hindi sarili mo tanongin mo? Ang sabi mo pag-uusapan natin, may usapan bang naganap? Wala. Tumigil ka bang makipag landian sa kung sinu-sino? Hindi.” 

“Sandali nga. Sandali,” Gregorio protested. “Okay sige, oo, I entertain the people who come to flirt with me pero ano? May girlfriend ba ko ngayon? Or boyfriend? Diba wala!? Diba mag-iisang taon nang wala!? Kasi nga naghihintay ako!” And just to get the point the across, he pointed at Vicente. “Sa’yo. Naghihintay ako sa’yo!”

The crescendo in his voice was unmistakable. He was growing more and more upset by the minute when all he really wanted to do was wrap Vicente in a hearty embrace—maybe even play with his hair a little bit—and reassure him that they’re okay. That he doesn’t have to apologize for anything anymore, Gregorio is fine with whatever Vicente is willing to give him. 

He does none of that. Instead, two girls appeared out of nowhere, asking if he wanted to have dinner with them. They looked familiar enough so Gregorio knows that they work for the same company, but haven’t interacted with him that much for him to remember their names. 

Vicente rolled his eyes at the exchange in front of him and went in his car. _Putangina._

In front of him, both girls are still yammering about some Korean buffet they both wanted to try. Gregorio couldn’t care less. He made a quick excuse and dismissed himself from the conversation, following his friend inside the vehicle. 

Gregorio was sitting on the passenger’s seat, while Vicente was on the driver’s. 

“Mahal na mahal ka nila doon sa labas ah,” his friend said. 

“Eh dito sa loob?” Gregorio retorted. 

Vicente turned to face him, and he has this look in his eyes that was half a warning and half a plea. He only shook his head. Not as a way to answer “no” but as a means to indicate that he did not want to continue on with the conversation. 

Everything was suddenly so quiet. Gregorio was being hit by a feeling of deja vu. No, this hasn’t happened to him before, he was sure of it. What is this reminding him of? Did a friend go through something similar? Not likely. Maybe a scene from a movie? Probably. A line from a song? No, but close. 

A poem. This is reminding him of a poem that they had to analyze back in college. Now how did it go again?

_“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy,_  
_and he won’t tell you that he loves you,_  
_but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve_  
_done something terrible,_  
_like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills,_  
_or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired.”_

He stared at his best friend. Vicente. Enteng. His Enteng.

The way he pursed his lips while he’s entranced in deep thought is enough to make Gregorio’s chest tighten. The way the dim lights of the parking lot hit his face at just the right angle, emphasizing every part of his face’s perfect features, made Gregorio want to jump out from where he’s seated. 

Right at that exact moment, he was finding it harder and harder to not just grab Vicente by the face and scream at him every little thing he was feeling. Everything, from the beating of his heart, to the sweat that trickles down his spine, to the fluttering of his eyes, they are all because of Vicente. 

Vicente—the god of his idolatry, the sun in which his entire system revolves on, the only person who could understand his little gasps and subtle mannerisms.

 _“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy,_  
_and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him,_  
_and you’re trying to choke down the feeling,_  
_and you’re trembling, but he reaches over_  
_and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist,_  
_and you feel your heart taking root in your body,_  
_like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.”_

Gregorio felt as though he was going to combust. He couldn’t stop himself. 

“I love you,” he said, his voice so small it could barely be heard. “Okay lang kahit hindi mo sabihin pabalik. Gusto ko lang malaman mo.” 

He was getting ready to move out of the car when he felt Vicente’s hand on his, while the other cupped his left cheek. 

“Goyong—” he hesitated for a while but continued. “Ang hirap makasigurado eh. Lalo na pag dating sa’yo. Hindi kita matantsa.”

Gregorio’s heart sank but he didn’t let it show. The last thing he needed was for Vicente to feel guilty for something that isn’t even his fault. 

“Madalas, iba ang sinasabi mo sa ginagawa mo. Ang hirap.” Vicente let go of his face and hand, already, Gregorio missed the warmth that the touch gave. “Okay lang ba if I took the time para pag-isipan ‘to lalo?” 

He nodded, unable to deny his friend anything. “Kahit ano lang na kaya mong ibigay, okay na,” he gleefully said. 

**[2018, November - 7:43 am]**

Tears are rolling down his face. _Fuck. Akala ko naiyak ko na lahat kagabi. Tangina naman._ He felt a hand rubbing his back to comfort him. It was Felicidad’s. Gregorio should feel grateful that she’s hear to deal with the fallout of his stupidity, but the hand on his back just doesn’t feel right. It’s too tentative, too soft, too feminine, too wrong. _Wrong, wrong, wrong._

His mind was screaming so loud. Everything is beginning to blur once again. He could feel Julian move towards him. He can’t help, not right now. None of them could help. 

All it takes is for one particular person to barge in those doors and he’ll stop his crying. Just that one right person. 

But he threw away the possibility of that ever happening again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poem used is You are Jeff by Richard Siken.


	5. Nanlalamig ang dating Nagbabaga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Push and pull, and then let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *kicks door open* bUHAY PA KO 
> 
> Sorry for the delay in the update, I got slumped with so much work but ahhh it's here!! Technically eto na yong last chapter, since the next one is an epilogue na lang. 
> 
> As always, enjoy the pain. Ang daming feelings nito.

**[2018, November - 8:15 am]**

The scent of fried eggs and warm instant coffee wafted all over Vicente’s one-room, bungalow, house. Being a freelancer had its perks and one of them is having flexible hours. As someone who extremely values his first meal of the day, the young man is thankful for the extra time he gets in order to prepare one. 

He placed the eggs on a clean plate, and then brought it on top of the dining table, he then moved to pull out the plug off of the rice cooker. Vicente grabbed a spoon on the rack and scooped up a large serving of rice. Say what you will about his overly meticulous eating habits, but when it comes to rice, Vicente Enriquez could eat an entire pot—even if there’s no more food left to pair it with. 

He used to outlast both the del Pilar brothers at Mang Inasal. They’d be at their third bowl while Vicente would already be on his sixth. 

The memory made him smile. He wishes he could stop missing him.

Closing his eyes, he could picture the young man in all his faux glory. Gregorio del Pilar. The man carved from marble, with his dignified look, soft eyes, and a polite smile that bordered on being a smirk. Carefully cultivated to give the impression of _aalagaan kita pero wawasakin din kita._

Men and women would swoon at his words but would tear their hair out once they realized how empty they all were. It’s all for show. Because no matter how open Gregorio presents himself to be, Vicente knows how high his walls really are. 

He’s the only one who knows about the 3 am existential crisis, the snorts in his laughter, the clumsiness that verged on stupidity, the set of false teeth he has that he got when he was 17—all these things were reserved just for him. 

Only him. 

“Hay ano nanaman ba ‘tong mga naiisip ko?” Vicente groaned out. He held his bowl of rice and walked towards his table. His doorbell rang. A glimmer of hope flared up from inside him, but he quickly squashed it down. 

_Pero paano kung siya nga?_ He shook his head. It’s impossible. His best friend is too proud to make the first move and apologize, especially if it meant going back on his words. It’s impossible, he tells himself. But maybe, just this one time. Maybe. 

Vicente made the short walk towards his front gate, and opened it to whoever was on the other side. He did not expect to come face to face with a tall woman. The first thing he noticed was her hair, jet black and long, a perfect contrast to her porcelain white skin. 

He’s seen her before. Remedios Nable-Jose. One of Gregorio’s failed romantic conquests, and is now, if he remembers correctly, another childhood friend’s lover. They’ve hung out before, sure, but they really aren’t close enough to make this random visit justifiable. 

She senses his confusion and greets an awkward, “Hi! Good morning.” 

Ever the gracious host, Vicente let the young woman in, leading her into his small dining area. “Upo ka,” he urged her, to which she gladly complied. 

“Ay nag almusal ka na ba?” Vicente added. “Medyo nagtitipid ako ngayon eh, kaya pritong itlog lang naluto ko. Sorry ah.”

Remedios laughed at that. “Okay lang, kumain na ko. Tsaka hindi mo naman ineexpect na darating ako ngayon eh.” 

_Putcha hindi talaga, bakit ka nga ba nandito?_

He doesn’t ask out loud. Instead, he just went and made a cup of coffee for the sudden visitor. 

Remedios smiled as the cup was handed to her. “Salamat,” she politely said. She stirred the warm liquid, taking little sips so as not to burn her tongue. Vicente sat across from her. He’s been doing a lot of that recently, sitting across from people. He shook his head at the thought of serious, life-changing conversations done over coffee, being a regular thing for him. _Tumatanda na talaga kami._

“So,” Remedios began. “Nagtataka ka siguro bakit ako biglang napabisita.” 

Her smile was small but genuine which made Vicente feel at ease. This simple gesture was enough to convince Vicente that this visit did not include any revelations of bad news. “Medyo may idea ako, pero sige. Bakit nga ba?”

“Kaninang madaling araw kasi tinawagan ni kuya Julian si Fely, he sounded so frantic kaya ayon. Nagpunta siya agad doon.” 

Panic welled up in Vicente. “May nangyari ba kay Goyong?” 

“He’s fine. Wala kang dapat ipag-alala,” she quickly responded. Vicente however, did not look convinced. “Teka.”

Remedios rummaged through her purse and brought out her phone, showing Vicente the latest text message from her girlfriend. It read: _Hi babbu! Goyong’s fine. Inarte lang. Update me on your part xx_

Vicente raised as eyebrow at that. “Bale ano pala ‘yong part mo dito?” 

The woman in front of him was quiet for awhile, she was perfectly still. No small mannerisms to latch onto. She was a hard one to read. 

“Naisip kasi ni Fely na it’s unfair na may support system si Goyo tapos ikaw well—mag-isa lang.” 

“So, eto ka ngayon,” Vicente supplied. “Ano ‘to dapat? Pipilitin niyo ba kaming mag-bati? Kasi wala naman sa akin ‘yong problema. Nag-uusap kami ng matino, siya ‘tong bigla na lang umalis.” 

He sounded defensive but he didn’t care. It didn’t bother him that Gregorio was the one to have their friends’ sympathy, but when a complete stranger just waltzes in, giving the implication that he should be the one to apologize, seemingly here to guilt-trip him into doing so, then—

“I’m not here to blame you for anything,” Remedios said, cutting him off from his thoughts. Vicente noted how she played with the brim of her now empty coffee cup. Hesitation? Doubt? He isn’t sure. Maybe it just meant nothing. Most things do these days. 

Silence settled between them. It seemed as if there wasn’t anything any of them were itching to say and so he ate. He ate everything on his plate, and went up to grab a second serving of rice. Once Vicente finished, he moved to place every dirty dish to the sink, he grabbed the cup Remedios used, purposely avoiding eye contact. 

“Tell me what really happened,” she suddenly spoke. Vicente sighed, turned to look at her and just shrugged. He really didn’t know what to say, or rather, he didn’t know what she wanted him to say. 

“Hindi tayo close. Kahit kami ni Goyo, hindi din naman kami on speaking terms. Lahat ng alam ko tungkol sa inyong dalawa is just third hand knowledge. Ike-kwento ni Goyo kay Kuya Julian, tapos ipapasa niya kay Fely, tsaka palang makakarating sa akin. Who knows kung gaano na kadaming nadagdag at nabawas doon.” 

Vicente sat back down, but still refused to speak. 

“Please. They sent me here to help. Para may makausap ka. Because your friends know na hindi rin naman ‘to madali for you.” 

He caved in at that. “Eto na nga. Magku-kwento na. Eto na.” 

**[2017, December - 7:09 pm]**

“Eto na, tanggapin mo na lang, parang gago naman ‘to eh.” 

Rain was pouring down on them and Gregorio was insisting that Vicente should take his umbrella with him. Of course, he couldn’t. 

“Tanga edi ikaw naman mababasa.” 

Gregorio rolled his eyes, opened his umbrella and hung it over Vicente’s head. “Sige na, wag ka nang maarte. Malapit lang ‘yong terminal ng van o. Ikaw hindi mo na nga dinala kotse mo, wala ka pang payong. Malayo pa kaya lalakarin mo.” 

He grabbed Vicente’s hand and forced him to hold the umbrella. “Ayan na nga kasi. Kala mo naman ginto binibigay ko sa’yo, payong lang ‘yan.” 

It wasn’t just the umbrella, but what the act symbolized. He could just be reading too much into it, but the way Gregorio insisted on keeping him dry—protected, made something furl up from within him. It was self-sacrificing in a way that he’s never seen his best friend be for other people. He was hit by the sudden feeling of pride, and whether it was misplaced or not wasn’t his concern at the moment. 

Pride for being the only person who got to be at the receiving end of Gregorio’s genuine concern and interest. _Just for me. Reserved for me._ There he goes with that mindset again. He shouldn’t be fooled. He’s seen the way Gregorio is with the other people he fancies. 

Why should he be treated any differently? _Kasi iba ka. Iba ‘yong pinagsamahan niyo,_ a part of his mind supplied. The other part was nagging him to snap out of it, that he’s smart enough to see a bad idea even if it was a mile away—that’s how this unspoken thing between them lasted this long. Because he refused to give in and make a move until he was certain of the outcome. 

Yes, Vicente was a bit of a _sigurista,_ as his older brother often said. He’s not one to make split second decisions and immediately jump to conclusion. Everything had to be clear and precise. His scrutinizing demeanor is mostly mistaken as indecision but it’s actually the contrary. All Vicente just needed is to be certain.

And in this moment, he was. 

He ran up to Gregorio who was already walking towards the UV terminal after forcing his umbrella on his friend. 

“Goyong!” he called out, while waving around his arms.

Gregorio turned and a smile spread across his face when he saw his friend trying to catch his attention. Despite the heavy downfall of rain, Vicente felt warm all over. He moved forward until he reached where Gregorio stood, looking at him eye-to-eye, as droplets of water trickled down from the strands of his hair to the smoothness of his cheeks. _Perfection._

Vicente covered them both with the umbrella to which his friend smiled gratefully. 

“Bakit? May nakalimutan ka ba?” Gregorio asked.

“Wala,” he said sheepishly. “Pero kasi—ano—ayoko pa talagang umuwi eh.” 

Gregorio nodded along, looking pensive, as if he was trying to figure out what got in Vicente’s head. This isn’t good. He was beginning to lose confidence. If his friend doesn’t speak for one more minute then he’s sure to backout of whatever it is he was planning to do. 

He took a deep breath. Today, he will not be controlled by his doubts. 

“Tambay muna tayo sa inyo,” Vicente said. He carefully anticipated what his friend’s reaction would be, nervous that the implication of his words fell flat, or worse, Gregorio understood what he was trying to say but would choose to decline. 

Lucky for him, he didn’t have to wonder for a long time. Gregorio gave a casual nod and led the way to their ride. They boarded the van, paid their fare, and sat side-by-side. 

Vicente pulled out his phone and plugged his earpiece in, since it was a 30-minute trip to Gregorio’s apartment. Without missing a beat, his friend grabbed the one end of the earphone and stuck it in his own ear. They listened to the music in comfortable silence. As the songs changed and blended together, Vicente couldn’t help but settle in with the feeling of contentment as it washed over him. 

Being with Gregorio was so simple—easy even. The fact that it took him this long to make a decision on their relationship seems so ludicrous now. He loves the man beside him, it’s a fact. It has always been a fact ever since the day they’ve met, all those years ago, and it will remain a fact even after they’ve both stopped to exist. 

“Para po!” 

Gregorio’s polite yet commanding voice pulled Vicente out of his thoughts. He looked around and realized that they were already around the corner of his friend’s apartment complex. Both men stepped out of the vehicle and proceeded to move towards the building. As Gregorio spoke of things they could do to pass the time, Vicente’s head started to race—coming up with a million different ways this night could go wrong and another million different reasons to not go through with it. 

He looked at Gregorio who was busy trying to unlock the door to his unit. 

_Good,_ he thought. _This can buy me some time._ He rummaged his brain for every justification he could muster on why he should proceed with his plan—why should he brave the tumultuous ocean that is the change in their relationship just to cross to the other side. The side where Gregorio patiently awaits him. The side where Gregorio has been for the past two years or so. 

The lock to the door knob clicked at the same time that something in Vicente’s mind lit up. 

Finally, he understood. Gregorio opened the door for the both of them. They stepped inside. He heard the lock shut and without hesitation surged forward, crashing his lips on his friend’s. 

In a way, it was similar to the first time they’ve kissed—all teeth and tongue, and desperation that verged on yearning. But it was also different, it felt more familiar, more intimate. Their lips moved in unison and in perfect harmony. As if this was what they were always meant to do, all other functions have now been rendered secondary. Their movements gelled perfectly together. In this exact moment, Vicente felt as though, for the first time in a long while, he was truly connected to Gregorio. He licked, and probed, and bit—exploring and memorizing every nook and cranny of Gregorio’s mouth. 

Getting bolder now, his hands roamed the expanse of his friend’s back, feeling every inch of it and pushing him closer. 

Gregorio’s hands, those that were just cupping Vicente’s face, then moved down. At first he thought his friend was about to wrap his arms around his neck, but his palms laid flat on Vicente’s chest. Slowly, he felt pressure, and then he noticed Gregorio slowly inching away. 

He was breaking the kiss. Vicente attempted to chase after the taller man’s lips, but Gregorio was adamant to stop. 

“Sandale, sandale.” He was breathless. “Teka muna.” 

Vicente was confused but gave the space his friend needed. Gregorio moved away, went to the small kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. “Gusto mo rin ba?” he asked, tilting his head to face him but not completely making eye contact. He shook his head no. He watched as Gregorio gulped down two full glasses of water, placed said glass on the sink, and then put the pitcher away. 

He then proceeded to pace back and forth from the kitchen to the living room. 

The agitation that Gregorio was feeling started to worry Vicente. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him towards the couch. Waiting after a few minutes to speak so as to give Gregorio some time to calm down, he quickly ran to the bathroom, grabbing the paper bag he knows Julian keeps there for emergencies like this. 

Vicente sat back down beside Gregorio, close enough that he can reach out if his friend needed him to, but far enough that their skin doesn’t touch. He had witnessed Gregorio’s panic attacks on more than one occasion, he knew the basics. 

Carefully, he asked, “Goyong, anong problema?” 

“Eto. Eto ‘yong problema,” he said while gesturing between the two of them. “Tangina naman kasi. Ano ‘yon? Bakit biglang may ganoon?” 

“May ano?” Vicente couldn’t help but laugh a bit. “May halik?” 

Gregorio looked down at the mention of the deed but the blush that crept along his cheek did not go unnoticed. It was endearing, Vicente decided. He lightly placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder. 

“Eto na ‘yon, Goyong. Eto na ‘yong sagot ko. Napag-isipan ko na. Okay na,” he excitedly announced, topping it off with a beaming grin.

Shaking his head, Gregorio then removed his friend’s hand away. Vicente’s smile faltered. 

Gregorio stood up and faced him. “Paano kung ako naman ‘yong hindi pa ready?”

_Putangina ano?!_

“Kasi shit, parang ano eh—parang kailangan ko ‘tong pag-isipan ng maayos din eh.” 

He blinked, and blinked, and blinked, and still, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Is this some kind of joke? Or a test? Is Gregorio making sure that Vicente is really decided to be with him? “Ginagago mo ba ko?” He then asked. 

“Tangina naman Enteng,” Gregorio replied. “Noong ako dalawang taon mong pinag-hintay, wala ka namang narinig sa akin ah. Tapos ngayon ako naman nagkakaroon ng pagdududa, galit ka?” 

Irritation clouded his reason. “Ah ganoon ba. Sorry Goyong, ah. Alam mo naman kasi reputation mo diba? Kaya pasensya na kung ang pumasok agad sa isip ko e ginagago mo lang ako.” 

Gregorio’s face fell, his shoulders slumped in defeat. _Great. Ngayon ako nanaman may kasalanan._

“Sorry,” Vicente apologized. “Hindi ko’yon dapat sinabi.” 

Nodding along, Gregorio crashed back down on the couch. 

“Importante ka sa akin. Okay? Kaya ayoko na pabara-bara lang pag dating sa’yo,” he said as he avoided Vicente’s stare. 

“Alam ko na ako ‘yong nangungulit dati pa, pero kasi ngayong eto na parang napapaisip ako eh. Paano kung hindi pala? Paano kung ‘yong gusto ko lang pala is ‘yong familiarity and comfort pag kasama kita? Paano kung takot lang pala talaga akong mag-isa, and you just happen to be conveniently here and willing?” 

As Gregorio finally moved to meet his eyes, Vicente couldn’t help but feel as though he was made a fool. _Sabi na eh. Mangyayari 'to._ And the worst part is, he isn’t even mad at his friend, he’s more disappointed that he let himself get carried away by pretty words and wishful thinking. He knew better. All he could do now is shake his head in disapproval, to which of course his friend took as a sign of hopeless rejection. 

“Enteng, wag ka naman ganiyan. Ilang linggo lang please. Kilala mo ko, over-thinker lang talaga. So please, just a few weeks to think. ‘Yon lang. Tapos okay na.” There it is again, the vulnerability in his voice, the one that makes Vicente’s heart soften in an instant. 

He agreed. But he promised himself that he wouldn’t be as susceptible as he was before. Proceed with caution. It didn’t matter if they were childhood friends or not, Gregorio will remain to be full of empty promises and false assurances. 

Vicente left after a few minutes. When he got home he received a call from a freelance photographer named Joven Hernando, who was looking to work on a project together. The shyness in the man’s voice was refreshing to Vicente. It was new, and something he thought he could get used to hearing everyday. 

**[2018, November - 9:00 am]**

“And ayon na,” Vicente shrugged. Remedios was silent in front of him. “Alam mo na siguro nangyari sunod. Lumipas na bagong taon, hindi na nagparamdam sa akin si Goyong. Tinext ko siya, tinawagan, chinat, dm, lahat, walang imik. Naka-trabaho ko si Joven noong June, tapos last month naging kami. Nabalitaan siguro niyang magaling mong ex, ayan nakipag kita para awayin ako.” 

Remedios smiled at that, equal parts amused and condescending. “Hindi naman yata fair sa kaniya ‘yan.” He was about to speak and argue when she raised a hand up to silence him. “Hindi ko sinasabi na tama ‘yong ginawa niya. Trust me, I know what it feels na magpaniwala diyan sa kagaguhan ni Goyo, only to be proven right in doubting him. Pero—” 

She paused and sighed. The young woman didn’t need to continue what she was going to say. Vicente understood the unspoken reality of his situation. Gregorio was to blame, but so was he. 

He knew his shortcomings and wished there was a way to make it all better. That’s all he could do: wish. He wished to go back to that one drunken night slumped in front of the flickering neon lights of a 7/11, and take back everything he said about not wanting to date a friend. If he could do it all over again, he would’ve thrown himself in Gregorio’s arms the moment his friend began implying his feelings. 

It would save them the trouble of years and years of mutual tension, of not understanding where their limits are if they even had any, of being stuck in the awkward position of together but not at all. 

_Isa kaming malaking tandang-pananong, na walang tuldok sa sagot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1u9subZKtb3e1tGASuWtgv)


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"We were a maybe but never a must"_

Staring at the empty hallways of his old high school in Bulacan made Gregorio yearn for the much simpler years in his life. Times when the biggest problem he has was how he could successfully escape his duties as a classroom cleaner. Initially walking forward in confident strides, he slowly wavered as the all too familiar corridor gave him bouts of nostalgia, lingering towards melancholy. 

_Dito sa hagdan na ‘to ako sinagot ni Felicidad. Diyan sa may sulok ‘yong locker na may sumpa daw. Ayon ‘yong classroom na pinagtaguan ni kuya Julian para hindi siya mahanap ng lower year na inutangan niya._

The sudden flood of memories filled Gregorio with warmth and sadness. He took a deep breath. It’s been a while since he last saw these people. They might’ve revered him back when they were teenagers but now as adults, when they’ve all moved on with their own lives, he wonders how he measures up in comparison to them. Has he lived a life he can be proud of? Gregorio sighed. Maybe instead of wallowing in the pits of his self-consciousness, he should just go in and see for himself. 

Vague sounds of chatter and music immediately greeted Gregorio as he walked closer to the venue of the event. He made a quick turn and came face to face with a blue banner, decorated with white tassels on the side, and sewed onto it, in bright yellow text, are the words: “Welcome back Batch 2010!” The music is louder now, the conversations of the people he once knew a bit clearer to his ears. He sighed and took out his phone. He doesn’t even need to check on anything, all Gregorio wanted was some more time. 

_Ano bang kinakatakot ko?_

Of course he knew the answer to that right away. He’s afraid to see that all the people that practically sucked his ass back in high school won’t even spare him a glance now. He’s afraid to see that all of them have grown up and he just stayed the same. A 27-year-old man, with nothing to show for but his high school reputation. 

_Deep breaths,_ he thought. _Deep breaths. Hindi ito panahon para atakihin ka._ He turned on his phone again, this time for a time check. June 15, 2021, 6:09 pm. 

_Kaya ko ‘to. Limang oras lang ‘to._ With fake determination, he kept his phone in his back pocket, and pushed the door open. 

It was all neon lights and dated songs blaring from the speakers, he didn’t know why but he expected at least a bit of fanfare once he walked in. Mentally slapping himself for wanting something so trivial, he dragged his feet over to the registration table. Manning it was none other than Francisco Roman, who he remembered mostly because of the intense rivalry between their squads during their CAT drills. He approached the table and Francisco looked up, smiling widely when he saw who was in front of him. 

“`Nak nampota del Pilar, tagal na kitang hindi nakita ah,” he said as he held out the registration form for Gregorio to sign. He signed it quickly, hoping that the conversation won’t lead to what he’s been doing with his life. 

“Wala na-busy lang eh,” Gregorio shrugged. 

“Ganoon? Huling balita ko sa’yo bawat linggo iba-iba pinapaiyak mo noong college eh.” He was only teasing but the mention of his past sexual escapades still stung a bit. Gregorio gave out a weak and awkward laugh, and Francisco seemed to understood that that was a topic he does not like talking about. 

“O sige na. Enjoy,” he casually dismissed. “Andiyan na si Neneng, kasama ‘yong girlfriend niya.” 

Gregorio snickered and said, “Wag mo siyang tatawagin niyan sa harap niya, galit na siya sa palayaw na `yan,” as he wandered off deeper into the room. 

Passing by different people, he noted a few more familiar faces: a group of women who he knew played for their volleyball varsity team waved at him; he also spotted Janolino and his old clique, now looking more like put upon dads, than troublemakers; as stated, Felicidad was there with Remedios as her plus one, the former gave him half a hug, while the latter was kind enough to grace him with a polite smile instead of the usual unamused stare; Jose Bernal casually nodded at his direction once their eyes met, beside him was Eduardo Rusca who gave his signature toothy grin, sending Gregorio back to a memory where the cheerful man almost became his boyfriend. 

Almost.

He’s had a lot of that over the course of his still short life. It was mostly his fault, if he can recall correctly. He was 15 and in denial of the possibility of being attracted to another boy. 

_You think you don’t want something until you do, but by then it’s already too late._

With a sigh, he continued to move through the crowd, waving and smiling at people he recognized and even stopping to chat up a few of them. Gregorio wasn’t feeling as anxious as he was when the night started. He fell into a pattern of going around the room, playing host and asking how everyone has been doing, directing the questions to them so as not to fall on him. 

Of course, just when he was feeling comfortable enough to be around his high school peers, is also the exact moment he spots him. Vicente. His Vicente. Well, probably not anymore. He burned that bridge three years ago. He stopped in his steps, he’s staring now. The first thing he noticed was his hair. It’s fashioned differently—sort of like a wave as opposed to the brush-up style Vicente had before. It suits him. Makes him look mature but not boring, there’s a hint of playfulness somewhere, just waiting to be pushed out. 

Gregorio was still staring when Vicente turned and their eyes locked. A brief moment of panic hit him, his brain shouting at him to bolt out of the door immediately. But before he could move, the shorter man was already walking towards him, a tentative smile on his face. 

They stood in front of each other, neither of them saying a word. A litany of curses ran through Gregorio’s mind. _Magsalita ka gago, kamustahin mo siya, mag sorry ka kasi tatlong taon kang hindi nagparamdam o nagpakita, tanungin mo tungkol sa trabaho niya—_

“Iba buhok mo ah,” he ended up lamely saying. 

Vicente laughed but it was tight and guarded. He consciously ran his hand through his hair. “Para ngayong gabi lang, maiba lang. Bagay naman ah?” 

He nodded, far less enthusiastic to be believable even though he was telling the truth. 

“Kamusta ka?” Vicente was the first to ask. The genuine concern in his friend’s voice should not charm him, if anything, he was probably just being polite. Gregorio gave a shrug, implying that he wasn’t doing anything much different since they last saw each other. Thankfully, the man in front of him took the hint and didn’t press on any further. 

“Ikaw? Kamusta ka? Kamusta kayo ni ano—” Gregorio paused for a bit, not sure if he should continue with the inquiry. “Kamusta kayo?” He settled on asking. 

Vicente smiled sheepishly. “Wala. Matagal na kaming nag break.” 

“Ha?! Gago kailan pa? Bakit hindi ko nalaman?!” 

The shorter man raised an eyebrow at that. “Malamang. Binlock mo ba naman ako sa lahat eh paano ka magkakabalita sa akin ha?” His tone was playful enough that Gregorio can tell he wasn’t carrying anymore resentment, either that or Vicente was just incredibly good at hiding it. “O. Kaninong kasalanan sige nga.” 

Gregorio awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Sabi ko nga eh. Kasalanan ko.” Vicente was chuckling a bit, which made him smile in spite of the embarrassment creeping over him. “Sorry,” he was able to blurt out. The smoothness in which they moved from stiff uneasiness to careless bantering made Gregorio feel soft all over. 

After all these years, they still fit perfectly together. 

A burst of courage surged through him, willing him to ask the question, “So single ka ngayon?” 

Yet again, Vicente took the question lightly, smiling a little as he slowly nodded. “Ikaw?” 

Gregorio nodded as well. They held each other's gaze-- a mixture of regret, and admiration, and hope, and uncertainty. It’s as if time suddenly stopped, making both men feel as though all there is and all there ever will be is the two of them, stuck in this specific moment together. Everything else is just minor details and background noise. 

There is so much to fix, so much to discuss, so much to apologize for, but right now they are here, they exist in a suspended version of perhaps and absolute. 

But behind them, the world kept moving forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeeeeeew it's done!!!! Kapal ng mukha kong tawaging epilogue to e lagpas 1k words din naman lol
> 
> Thank you for actually sticking with this fic lmao when I started writing this I just needed an outlet for my own frustrations, di ko naman po inasahan na may magbabasa talaga ahhhhkkk,,,
> 
> I tried to make the ending as ambiguous as possible, may hints of a happy ending but also medyo not??? 
> 
> [Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1u9subZKtb3e1tGASuWtgv)


End file.
